Milo Yiannopoulos Curvy Barbie

Mattel’s new curvy Barbie has been making serious waves since her plastic feet stepped into the universe last week. Lucky for you, there’s this good time of a dude who wrote a super offensive cool opinion piece on why he “supports” this tiny hint of doll diversity, in case anyone actually cared.

Milo Yiannopoulos‘ piece for the conservative site Breitbart is the type of internet op-ed that makes you want to set your laptop ablaze. It’s the stuff that makes your racist grandma look like Mother Teresa. We get that it’s so hilarious that a toy company would ever dream of telling girls it’s okay to have hips, so thank goodness for this dude’s witty insight. Let’s dive right into the highlights from this killer piece. Ready, set, go.

“Perhaps the new Fat Barbie could be marketed as a Halloween toy, for female trick-or-treaters to scare the neighbours with?”

On how curvy Barbie could help his sad love life: “I’m gay. The more young girls are encouraged to become fat and unattractive, the better life gets for me. Every step fat-feminism takes towards victory means another wistful glance in my direction from otherwise-straight men.”
On curvy Barbie doing a solid for girls: “While I support the traditional, skinny Barbie’s role as an aspirational beauty ideal, she only really provides a target to aim for. For a complete guide, girls also need to know what to avoid. Curvy Barbie will fulfil that role admirably. After all, to reach the top, you have to know what the bottom looks like.”
On a possible marketing idea for curvy Barbie: “Perhaps the new Fat Barbie could be marketed as a Halloween toy, for female trick-or-treaters to scare the neighbours with?”
Or this genius partnership idea: “Alternatively, they could be given away with Happy Meals. It would be a poetic move by McDonald’s: the toy would offer a glimpse into the girls’ future should they keep up their poor diets.”
On alternative titles for curvy Barbie: “Frumpy Thunderthigh-Sporting Ham-Planet Barbie.”

This guy is a true gem in a sea of garbage bags. Where’s Kate Winslet to casually not save this dude from drowning in his own brilliance? Thanks, Milo, for being a true inspiration.

Eliza Dillard