After 14 years of underarm, leg, and nani waxing, never having taken a razor to my body, and subjecting myself to the salon groupons of every frank, gruff, no-holds-barred ethnic waxing culture imaginable (sorry, Eastern Europe, I’ve been cheating on you), I’ve received an earful of unsolicited body comments from well-meaning aestheticians with simply no fucks to give. (Other than the fucks they have apparently invested in me finding a nice rich man and getting married.) Here are the top ten rudest things a waxer has ever said to me.
1. “The skin is very loose. How old are you?”
Seventy. I’m seventy years old.
2. “You’ve been waxing for how many years? How old are you?”
See previous question.
3. “How old are you?”
WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT MY AGE TO THE REMOVAL OF HAIR FROM MY BODY?
4. [in awe] “Your skin is so white.”
Thanks, I have to use SPF 70 or else I wind up in the hospital. 70, like my age.
5. “Your hair is very long. You should have trimmed.”
Isn’t that your job?
6. “You shouldn’t have trimmed. Now all the hairs will break.”
7. “Did you shave between waxes? Why you have no hair here?”
No, lady. Why would I shave JUST my inner calf and then come in for a wax? It’s just that I’ve just been doing this for so long that I have bald spots now. How long have YOU been doing this for?
8. “Did you go to another salon for your last wax? She did a very bad job. Look at all these ingrown hairs. Who did this?”
You did, and I’ve been your client for the last three years.
9. “Do you have a boyfriend? Don’t worry, you will after this Brazilian.”
I don’t… What?
10. “Oh you’re going on vacation? This Brazilian will make it a very good time for you.”
Really? Because I’m pretty sure drinking a pina colada on a beach in the middle of the goddamned day without worrying about a hairy labia slipping out of my swimsuit when I inevitably take a drunk tumble in the glaring sun is what will make this vacation a good time for me.