Old You 🙁 vs New You!
As a not-so-recent graduate, I’ve been
living in constant denial, coming to terms with the fact that life is a downhill slope after 21. Of course, that’s if you accept social media as proof of how much you’re crushing it, which it totally is. But even though slowly losing the glow you had on your 21st birthday is hard, you’re in luck. It doesn’t have to be that way.
With this four-step guide that includes one jello shot, a short quiz, and an examination of two charts that are chock full of info, it will take all of a few minutes before you’re checking out some filter-free Instagram shots and basking in your self-reflected youthful gorgeousness.
1. Bottoms up:
Have a jello shot mixed vigorously and youthfully with water from the prettiest fountain you can find.
See the difference?
Now it’s time to bury your birth certificate and get that fresh feeling you had back in college. As a new 21-year-old, you will experience a remarkable return to your old self-entitlement, skin elasticity, and will to live another day. You’ll walk faster, and be able to drink more. You’ll wake up before your morning commute. Look at you. Everything’s coming up you now. You radiate happiness. Have anyone from your huge group of friends you’re always in touch with take a picture of you ageless and worry-free. No unsuccessful career, because you don’t have one, silly. Get ready for your sex life to improve because it will actually exist!
Oh, didn’t work? Move on to step 2, after the jello jump.
2. Quiz: When you hold your pointer finger up to the tip of your nose and rest your hand on your chin for the Chinese finger trap test, what happens?
a. The world glistens.
b. Your ovaries cry.
c. Someone says, ma’am are you OK?
d. Your friend refuses to see the similarity between you and Beyoncé.
Answers: Circled anything but a? Comp yourself onto another jello shot. That’s just for you, because you deserve it, beautiful.