I wish a $10 manicure that chips the moment I lift a finger made me a duchess. Sadly it doesn’t, and nail polish namers need a reality check. It’s not that I don’t love the Essie polish names. Take, for example, a name like “Nautical Naughty.” No easy feat. All of them manage to be frivolous and effective in the one or two words, and I’ve always believed that the right word choice can sway public opinion when it comes to picking a color. They make life more fun, and I wish I could paper my walls with the colors.

But if “French Affair” were a movie poster for my life, it would say, “The love affair between me and the people I stalk on Instagram.” The name “Cab-ana” can be a little questionable when I’m summering by drinking heartily in a dive bar without any sign of a cabana boy. Here are 20 reality-reflecting new names I propose for some of my favorite Essie shades.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. Real Name: After Sex Honest Name: After Sex Polish Still Not Dry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Real Name: Boom Boom Room Honest Name: Netflix in My Bedroom

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Real Name: Bottle Service Honest Name: Hoping for a Water Refill

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Real Name: Bouncer, It’s Me! Honest Name: OK Fine, Fine I’m Leaving

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Real Name: Warm and Toasty Turtleneck Honest Name: Snuggie

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Real Name: Damsel in a Dress Honest Name: Rent-the-Runway No Longer Accepts My Bitcoins

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Real Name: East Hampton Cottage Honest Name: Dodging Creepers in the Park

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Real Name: French Affair Honest Name: Lengthy Tinder Chat

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Real Name: Golden Nuggets Honest Name: Chicken Nuggets

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Real Name: Imported Champagne Honest Name: Warm Coors, Still Solid

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. Real Name: In The Cabana Honest Name: Surfboart in the Bathttub

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12. Real Name: Innocent Honest Name: Not Guilty

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13. Real Name: The More the Merrier Honest Name: Getting Claustrophobic

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14. Real Name: Mesmerized Honest Name: Entertaining the Idea of Being Marginally Interested

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15. Real Name: No Pre-Nup Honest Name: Boyfriend’s Mother’s Judgment

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

16. Real Name: She’s Pampered Honest Name: She’s Broke

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

17. Real Name: Show Me The Ring Honest Name: Show Me How Much Money Was Wasted

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

18. Real Name: Sugar Daddy Honest Name: Free Leftovers

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

19. Real Name: Swept Off My Feet Honest Name: Carted Off Drunk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

20. Real Name: Tea and Crumpets Honest Name: Pizza and PBR

Related Links:
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The 9 Perils of D.I.Y Manicures & Nail Art