“Bikini Body,” ugh. My Bikini Body Break Up series lets you know how I feel about that term. Ideally, nobody should ever strive for one type of bikini body. You know, the one we’re taught is the right one from swimsuit ads and Carls Jr. commercials. Ideally, we would all realize that the phrase, “get bikini body ready for summer,” is redundant because a bikini body is just any bikini on any body. It’s not hard to achieve and yet I don’t blame you for feeling like it is.
Because we can talk about “ideally” all we want, but in reality summer is the season of anxiety and insecurity as millions of men and women desperately crash diet and exercise at unsafe levels in an attempt to get their bikini bodies to mirror a twisted beauty ideal of one. So, how about this sunny season you humor me.
#1: I shouldn’t wear cheeky or stringy bikini bottoms if my butt or thighs jiggle
All butts and thighs jiggle. Some jiggle more than others. Some have cellulite that jiggles along with them. Some have stretch marks. All butts are good and touchable butts. But make sure you’ve got permission before you go touching that awesome butt mmmmkay?
#2: If I’m going to be in a bikini later, I should eat “lightly” today / tonight
Oh man, I used to be so guilty of this. As in I wouldn’t even want to drink water before heading to the beach or pool because I was so afraid of my belly looking big. Guess what? It doesn’t matter if you eat a handful of dry kale or a giant slice of ice cream cake before slipping into your bikini. Like really. Does. Not. Matter.
#3: Every girl (guy) on the beach is my competition
You don’t walk down the street, see a cute guy, and then stop and go “Naaaaaaah you know what, he’s cute but Ryan Gosling is WAY cuter. Imma pass on that.” Similarly, nobody looking at you is running a reel of all the people who you look different from. Don’t confuse another person’s beauty with the absence of your own.
#4: I should stick to what the magazine said is the best swimsuit for my body type
Who even creates those guides? Like seriously, I’m picturing two burnt out and fatigued interns named Karen and Jessica having a cat fight over whether curvy women can wear triangle tops in bright orange. Guide is short for guideline which means a piece of advice and honestly, why would I take fashion advice from someone I’ve never met. Only my best friend gets to tell me what not to wear. Sometimes. Not really.
#5 Hide your trouble areas
I get the whole correlation between hiding and trouble. Like that time I was in trouble for spilling a tube neon blue glitter all over mom’s new carpet and I hid under the kitchen table. But this doesn’t really seem like that. What did my love handles do to get in trouble? What did they rob a bank or some sh*t? Life lesson: hiding is for when you spill things at mom’s. Not for a day of summer fun.
Tell me a beauty ideal or standard you’re getting rid of this summer and what your favorite swim suit of the moment looks like!