Why You Should Wear Sack Dresses

You might think that nothing repels the precious male gaze with the unstoppable force of a sack dress, but people who say this are your enemies. Any time you wear a dress that’s inspired by a burlap sack, you can expect an immediate downpour of fashion haterade. People still cling to the misconception that it makes you look like a bag of potatoes, but this is a sack of lies. What you should wear to date night and what you should carry a bale of spuds in are the exact same thing, if it gives you life.

Here are five reasons you should embrace the sack dress, if you like it, that is.

1. Stuff that doesn’t touch your body is perfect for all kinds of weather.
The sack dress is the solution to feeling trapped when contact with your own fabric is a proposition more terrifying than being sardined on the subway. Do you really want to be melting your pits off in some butt-skimming bodycon all the time? We need more form-fitting threads in every size, but sack dresses still look dope with a jacket. Throwing something breathable and floaty over your head every single day is awesome for every single body type if it’s your style. It’s not “Boho.” It’s common sense.

2. The woman makes the clothes, obviously.
When a female newspaper critic slammed Marilyn Monroe, calling her cleavage “cheap and vulgar,” she said she’d look better in a burlap sack. She wasn’t completely wrong because 20th Century Fox seized the news opportunity and took pictures of her in one. The result: she looked like Marilyn Monroe. OK, the potato sack was more form-fitting than the dress I’m defending because Monroe liked tight things. But the lesson is that the woman maketh the clothes, not the other way around. I think most ladies in all sizes look like comfy goddesses in sack dresses. They help you breeze around like a Christmas ornament angel without delving into painter’s tarp territory. Putting one on says your figure doesn’t need flattering or belt cinching. Hell, it doesn’t even need effort. It’s doing you so many favors.

3. It doesn’t leave as much to the imagination as you think.
There’s plenty to see. Find one that doesn’t suffocate your fronts and does absolutely nothing at the bottom. You’ll look mod and feel cool.

4. But it does leave a little… and that’s okay.
Normcore standby Jerry Seinfeld insisted that he wanted a woman’s body left to the imagination because it was more interesting that way. Not that we’re dressing to please him, but he had a point. We’re here for the ventilated backless tanks and lacey bloomers, but our rights apply equally to covering up when we want to. You’re entitled to free your nips at the beach because they’re for you and no one else, but you’re also free to be comfortable and defy the cliché anti-sack lingo.

5. Fashion’s favorite buzz word: versatility.
In the resort collections, sack dresses have invisible tailoring and come in raffia, linen, silk, and khaki. In colder weather, they’re oh so comforting, heavy, and blanket-style. They offer more footwear possibilities than other outfits. You can dress them up in heels, boots, or sneaks. They’re ideal for wiping off wine stains with the excess fabric, and you’ll look like you’re in an ad campaign when you spin around with a hula hoop. If you were demanding a way to be presentably lazy without wearing a bathing suit cover-up to work, the sack dress is it.

It’s like all John Lennon was saying was give sacks a chance.

Ashley Hoffman