RunwayRiot Live-Blogs the Golden Globes Red Carpet Fashion
by Ashley Hoffman | January 10, 2016 at 6:16 PM

When I sat down to live-blog the carpet at the 73rd annual Golden Globes, I specifically requested that Amy Schumer show up in the hot mess getup princess as advertised. Except in my fantasy, it would be on a white horse. Obviously I know she is simply going to show up looking like a class act because not all dreams come true. Anyway, I’m blogging the red carpet looks and supplying you with all our fashun criticism in one place, right here.

This Gina dress is just really classic and baetacular. If not for the sculptural boning on the corset, she might look like a matronly madame hosting a party in D.C., but I dig this Zac Posen gown. Props for going with shimmery sapphire instead of navy.

Jamie Alexander’s pattern appears to be your brain on drugs. People are swooning over the shiny emerald, but it’s a little costumey in an “I’m the head mistress of Oz, and floating about in a bubble is my preferred method of travel” way. I dig the neckline though.

Sophia Bush looks graceful and elegant in this liquid stunner that fits her like a dream. This is the kind of a boobalicious yet somehow casual dress that so many of your friends and enemies could pull off.

Laverne Cox is still totally committed to crisp white showstopping looks, and they always looks so damn refreshing on her. I wish you all the poise of a Laverne Cox, to sit with perfect posture and never once spill boxed wine all over your halter neck. Nothing resembling a white Laverne Cox dress will ever be in my future. The train is by Elizabeth Kennedy, perfection, celebrity’s own. The green earrings and blood red lips make it.

Stray observation: OK so watching the red carpet means that you can see only half of a dress and fall IN LOVE with it based on an incredible anti-gravity camisole BUT THEN you see the whole thing and you realize it’s a tea dress. We’re talking about the prim sorority dresses Kerry Washington insists on wearing, and then you hate it. When this switcheroo happens, we know exactly how people must feel when they think they’ve met their dream match on Craigslist only to find that they wear a lot of fluro.

All of these delicate off-the-shoulder straps are doing it for me. This color is the real star. I think Rachel Bloom’s facial expression wordlessly communicates that feeling when you’re convinced you look excellent, but some guy (a papparzzi no doubt, is saying something weird.) Thank you Christian Siriano for making dresses in more sizes than most do in your world. He really does make things that support boobs for a change. Also, thank you for that time you realized that a high school betch was a bigger betch than you on Project Runway.

I’m pleased to see Jamie Lee Curtis broke out of her usual garb for this sligtly arts and crafts sh*tshow theme. But she turned it into something gloriously regal and grand. Sleeves should have been trimmed to her elbows because they’re heavy on her. Nod of approval for the train. Though, we wish we saw more of her kickin’ bod. It’s a little…respectable? Her call I guess.

In case you’ve ever wondered if the genius Regina King could dress like a pauper turned ruthless casino owner, here it is. FULL DISCLOSURE: I’m biased against metallics unless they’re delicate. I’m certain witnessing this is in person in the California sun is an experience on par with watching shooting stars, but not even a cape – a thing I love – can save this. Woman is so absolutely stunning, but this is a low point for her.

Also the theme of the night: SHOULDERS.

Dear white people hosts of the E Online fashion coverage: please stop asking each other if you are getting “Latin flare” right. It’s making you even more unbearable, which is a thing we had no idea was possible.

Only someone as chill as Olivia Wilde could be cool sitting in hair and makeup for hours while Jason Sudeikis probably just gets to wake up after a weed cookie nap and throw on a tux and some sneakers. I need to see more of these maroon sequins before passing judgment. OK so now that I’ve seen it in all its glory, I this is a little bit Samantha when she went to the hip-hop club, and it’s so different from what she normally wears. She looks gorgeous, but the material looks cheap and so does the necklace. TOO SHINY.

Open your mouth. Jenny from the block is here. Wait, what? Who? She’s wearing a high neck and a cape? Where’s the window to her cleavage and her assets? Nowhere to be found because you are entitled to NOTHING and she’s being stately in a Giambattista Valli dress the color of bee pollen and dreams with a diamond necklace over it. And that wicked smile. Slay me JLo, said God. Somehow the fit isn’t as dreamy as things usually are on her, but what else is there to say, other than as usual, it’s a great night to be her.

Girl is a DREAM BASKET, however, nothing about this look is worthy of America Ferrara. So, yes. A crystal trimmed, waist-defining bright yellow halter neck dress CAN actually upset you and distract you from the hotness of America. This is for the woman in a local beauty pageant where everyone’s world wish is to own a glue gun for sequins, not the Globes. The fact that America Ferrara couldn’t manage to make it happen probably means no one else on this carpet could either.

Everyone is loving Hollwyood glam emerald tonight. On Jada Pinkett Smith, the color starts you off at a YAS, but then the matching green shoes, glittery green belt, and the Morticia sleeves all drop you right off in the Halloween costume aisle. Cheers for the wave though. It’s so unfortunate because the neckline and the color were positively lustworthy.

Viola Davis looks drop dead gorgeous. We’ve met plenty of crystals we didn’t like, but the crystal placement (1. all over crystals on the neck, 2. calming down on the crystals along the bodice,) works for her. Viola, making us like ombre. Stranger things have happened.

Quick Golden Globes break, while we all obsess over Rachel McAdams’ bun, my restaurant critic boyfriend is murmuring something about tumeric milk and has no idea what’s going on. He thinks Viola Davis looks fab though.

Quentin Tarantino just flipped his hair and he’s loving the attention.

Rachel McAdams’ dress might look like a bedspread you’d own if life was fair and you had a summer cottage. Typically prints just don’t play well at this event, but it’s a killer thanks to the seams. We’ve already seen in her in cutout dresses galore, and tonight she looks romantic and darling. Appreciate the red lip inspo.

Queen Latifah looks absolutely glorious. We’d normally say a mint colored dress with a crystal applique thing on top would be icecapades but with this cape she is a cool mint breeze from the heavens, and she should wear a regal cape everywhere. Seriously, how delicious is the back?

Julianne Moore get out of our disco dreams and into our bed right now. The hair is so relaxed it’s like she’s way too cool for this thing. Somewhere Tom Ford is taking a self-congratulatory bath in his own beauty products.

Jennifer Lawrence is here being everyone’s homegirl, talking to fans. She really surprised us with this “cool girl” move. The cutouts are actually the cure for so many glamazons swanning around in shininess.

Her pal Amy Schumer has arrived and this dress is so flipping disappointing. It’s just so god awful that this was the best thing a world runner could wear. (We’ll also put forth that Amy Shcumer – mouthpiece of all your thoughts – is not the most avid fashion fan in the world.) But if you think this look has anything to do with ANYTHING other than blatant size discrimination from designers, then you’d be off like my pants right now. Designers, take note, no one Amy Schumer’s age should HAVE to wear this. The pockets are cool, but this off the shoulder illusion white top is all wrong. She’s up for best actress though so she probably couldn’t care less.

Lady Gaga did as expected and came as Marlyn Monroe with money. Killed it. If everyone wore this it would be boring, but the silhouette is fire on so many shapes, and when you vote BLACK, SIMPLE AND EXPENSIVE it’s just so much better than macrame.

Somehow, Katy Perry is almost unrecognizable and we actually dig this pink number on her with Priscilla Presley hair. So whoever kept her in check with this dress deserves tranquilizers now because it couldn’t have been easy.

Jane Fonda is wearing a communion layer cake on her dress, and she is living proof everyone who tells older women to sit down, shut up and wear beige can go screw themselves.

CATE BLANCHETT, WE HAVE NEVER WANTED TO BE YOU MORE THAN RIGHT NOW. So much detail, so much pretty. If we could escape into the mind palace of Jay Gatsby, this is what glamour would look like. Obviously it’s Givenchy Couture, so it’s a lot like like Gwen Stefani’s wedding dress except with FRINGE. Into it.

The embroidery is a (straight-size variation) of what I’d like to wear to my wedding. However, with the keyhole, the whole package is quite dismal in a Eva, do you know where you are right now vibe. For someone who lives and breathes I WORKED ON MY GLAMOROUS OUTFIT TODAY, this was an odd choice, but I want it. I’d wear it to a music festival at a insane asylum crafting compound sponsored by Zoloft.

Ravishing, Kirsten Dunst. Peep the back to add value to your life.

This is surprisingly gorgeous when you take the whole ruffly package in — no question about it. She will continue to go far and be likable, this young one.

Gaby Hoffmann and Jill Soloway win best dressed couple award hands down. File that under things that are obvious.

I’d love to wife Saoirse Ronan, particularly if she smirked the way she did in Brooklyn. She rarely goes the smokeshow route, so I appreciate a little Ronan side boob. My boyfriend said it best: “I happen to really love that. She makes that style look really good.” Agreed. Unforgettable Saoirse, that’s what you are when you dress like a bride with dark secrets.

This voluminous cape hybrid dress on Uzo Aduba is a yes for me. If I had to be conquered by an evil villain, I’d want her show up in this. We are all crazy eyes tonight.

Now THIS is the Chanel-like fancy feather dress we want in all sizes. Except it’s Alexander McQueen, and it’s scrumptious on her. Stay classy, Amanda Peet.

Dennis O’Hare: totally sincere gratitude for wearing platform heels in order to make the sexist dress code less unfair. However this jacket does not go with those shoes, sorry.

Maril Davis, I would wear what you’re wearing right now and it would give me the will power to go out tonight before my early work day IF it weren’t this disappointing length.

Melissa McCarthy, you deserve so SO much better than Derelicte. Really nice line though and love her face though. If we were here in person we’d need shades because of all the over the top shininess of this night. We wish this were simply beaded crystals and it looked like real finery. She carries it off so well though. Here is Rihanna singing about this look. “You’re a shooting star I see, a vision of ecstasy.”

Rosie Huntington Whitley looks like a glass of champagne I’m keen on drinking. This is understated glitz every woman would love to have.

Angela Basset is the sex on the stick I want to sit next to in this excellent dress the color of Tang.

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Ashley Hoffman

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