Gwyneth Paltrow out-gooped herself this year with her holiday gift guide. Overall, there were some reasonably priced legit items, but a lot of it was a face-palm a second. Anyway, provided you’re loaded and in the top 1%, you’re in luck yet again! Paltrow knows exactly what all the upper tax bracket people want, from a Mah-jong set from fashion haus Hermes for $46,000 to some very fancy toilet paper because the 1% is entitled to only the most primo wipes in town. There’s even a silver $244 toothpaste squeezer for when you’re out of toothpaste. These are the ten wildest picks, so let’s jump right in with a crowd pleaser.
1. $2,300 playing cards “gilded for a uniquely luxurious look and feel.”
They really help the 1% to pass the time when there aren’t enough people to exploit.
2. This is a $3,990 canvas and leather Saint Laurent piece of luggage to carry all their fine imported goods in.
A necessity for white families touring Africa.
3. This here is a skull covered in flowers and the price is only available upon request.
They can use it to confuse their enemies because it’s goth but also pretty.
4. This personalized stamp for $45 so that they can put their names on more of their things.
They mark things “mine” with it.
5. This silk satin pajama set is nearly $1,000 and it looks very silky, so when they’re tired from shopping so damn much, they can get some rest.
Life’s hard. Wear silk…is a motto they like.
6. These dumbbells cost $125,000 because working out with anything less is for the poors. It’s like going for the gold without the Olympic training, skills, or anything related to merit.
They are never not touching gold.
7. This is a trip to outerspace because for them, even if the world is just not enough and they’re out of touch with it, they should still be riding around attached to a flotation device and gazing at it beneath them. (Neiman Marcus has always done stuff like this, and it was always weird.)
St. Barths is so yesterday, and they don’t even have Instagram up there.
8. This is a premium coffee maker because they are entitled to only the best morning sips. Price available upon request.
Starbucks has too many peasants walking around.
9. This is the “gold standard of toilet paper” from Joseph’s Toiletries — a set for $956, which Gwyneth recommended with more certainty than the situation warranted.
Even their wipes are superior.
10. This is an Hermes Mah-Jong set for $46,000.
It’s the price for a year of college tuition at a private school because they deserve a Master’s degree in luxury gaming.
