While some people are breaking out the selfie sticks to document the good times to come this Thanksgiving, I’m struggling to explain my fragmented family and my hectic holiday routine to anyone who dares to ask me if I’m excited for the upcoming festivities.. Because of fun things like divorce, death, and extreme dislike, the holidays are just another reminder of how screwed up my family actually is. Last year, I had the pleasure of going to four (yes, FOUR) Thanksgiving meals, and this year will unfortunately be the same.
While it might sound like a dream to have four separate opportunities in a matter of three days to ask a relative to please pass the gravy, I’m here to tell you that it is STRESSFUL. It’s four separate times I’m forced to explain my life as a writer to people with more practical (and lucrative) careers. It’s four separate occasions to acknowledge that, no, I don’t have a boyfriend this year. It’s four separate occasions to go into a turkey-induced coma and swear I’m never eating again, but of course, I have to because more turkey waits just around the corner. It’s also four outfits I have to wear because dressing for each occasion, as I’ve learned through experience, is important.
If your family is screwed up like mine and you’re floating in the same boat down an endless river of mac and cheese (by November 27, this is NOT ideal), you need to take things like house temperatures, pets, family conservativeness, COMFORT, and convenience into consideration when picking out your outfits for the turkey marathon. Below are the types out outfits I’m wearing to each Thanksgiving meal and why,
1. The night before Thanksgiving at my maternal grandfather’s house. Despite what you might think, it’s totally possible to be a grandparent and keep your thermostat below 80 degrees. Not only does my maternal grandfather and his step-wife keep it below 80, they keep it downright frigid in there. Last year, I wore a dress, and I couldn’t even take my winter parka off because the place was so cold. So, this year, I’m determined to dress properly so I can be comfortable in the arctic tundra by opting for a warm turtleneck, scarf, and jeans. I’m also not wearing black to avoid being a walking billboard for white dog hair by the end of the night.
2. Thanksgiving day lunch at my mom’s house. This is the most relaxing of them all because I basically roll out of bed and roll into a feast. Since it’s just me, my mom, and my brother at this one, comfort is the name of the game. I don’t dress to impress… at all. In fact, I usually just wear my pajamas or an oversized t-shirt and leggings.
3. Thanksgiving day dinner at my aunt’s house. My aunt always puts together the most delicious Southern Thanksgiving spread your taste buds could ever imagine, so it’s definitely one of those times when I can’t be bothered to wear pants because I’m absolutely going to go HAM on the Virginia ham and don’t need to feel like a stuffed sausage. These relatives are still in the mindset that outfits should be appropriate (cleavage frowned upon), so I’m going to play it safe and wear something that covers me up and won’t pain me while I dig intp the pumpkin pie.
4. Post-Thanksgiving lunch at my maternal grandmother’s house. My maternal grandmother’s house is always the opposite of my maternal grandfather’s house (maybe that’s why the marriage didn’t work out – LOL). Between the heat from the oven and the heat coming out of the vents, it’s like a sauna in there, so I won’t be wearing any sort of wool blend no matter what the outdoor temperature might be. By this point, I’m usually too sick of Thanksgiving foods to even consider eating more than a half- plate full of food, and I spend the majority of the day curled up in the fetal position on the couch while my brother watches football, so a cozy, sweat-free outfit is ideal.