Boobs get a lot of attention and for good reason. They’re pretty mystical creatures, and I’ve always been jealous of girls with big boobs because I’m the chairwoman of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. I wear bralettes every day like a 10-year-old with evolving twin peaks. Yeah, it’s comfy, but I’d love to not have the chest of a tween sometimes. See, what I lack up front is completely made up for in the rear. My butt is cushier than the throw pillows I keep on the couch. Every bagel I eat inevitably goes straight to my back end, which makes shopping a nightmare before, during, and after Christmas.
When I heard that Reformation, one of my go-to stores for tops, came out with a clothing line for big boobs called “I’m Up Here,” I was excited for all of my busty babe friends; however, my butt cried out, “Hey, I’m down here! Don’t forget about MEEEE!”
It’s hard being a curvy girl in the fashion world because a lot of brands do seem to forget that we aren’t all as flat as a piece of driftwood. Reformation is one of the stores that’s made my butt feel sub-par. Their dresses are already so short to begin with but try to squeeze a plush caboose in one of those babies and everyone’s gonna see your sweet cheeks. The only option is to buy a size larger than you actually need just to get some extra fabric to cover your wide-set posterior. Then, you’re left looking like a frump, but hey, at least your butt is covered.
Shopping for jeans is usually a less-than-enjoyable experience for anyone, but us big-butted girls have it twice as hard. It’s like, if the jeans fit up top, they’ll be too big in legs. If the legs fit just right, the fabric won’t stretch over my thighs. It’s a rough life. I have three of the same pairs of Madewell jeans because I know they fit me in all the right places, and I don’t look like the girl with painted jeans walking around Times Square.
I’ve almost completely given up on skirts. I think high-waisted skirts make me look like one of those silver bells you might hang from a Christmas tree branch. Fitted skirts make it close to impossible for me to sit down without splitting the seams. Maxi skirts can look okay, but I don’t want to look like I own a yoga studio. “No skirt, no problem” is a motto I usually live by.
And to keep adding to the list of problems: shorts don’t work because my butt is the same shape as Spongebob. Jumpsuits are out of the question, as it inevitably looks like I’ve stuffed a pillow in my underwear. Workout pants make me super self conscious that the dude on the treadmill behind me is enjoying his workout a little too much. Brands need to start making clothes other than potato sack dresses that fit me because, I’ve got buns, hun, and they’re a royal pain in the a$$.