While we’re in hype mode over Christian Louboutin’s beautiful but confusing lipstick line (Is that a Christmas ornament? A mini scepter? A vibrator? A $90 tube of lipstick?) , I’m over here all sweaty-palmed with  lipstick anxiety.

Yeah, I’ve got beef with lipstick, particularly tubes in any shade that aren’t uh… well… nude. Though I don’t keep an official count, it’s safe to say I’ve worn an actual color on my lips maybe ten times in my life. Here’s why:

1. I don’t know how to properly put it on. I never learned. I never really wanted to learn.  “Watch YouTube tutorials,” they said. “It’s so easy!” they said.  I did. And it’s not. After watching the helpful ladies of YouTube, I ended up with Kylie Jenner lips. I colored so far out of the lines that I had to go back with a Q-tip to hide the evidence.

2. I’m horrified of getting it in my teeth.  You flash what you assume to be a pearly white set of champers and, instead, it looks like you just sucked someone’s blood. Thank god I haven’t experienced this firsthand, but if it happened to Paris, it could happen to any of us.

3. I don’t understand how to eat with lipstick on. One time I ate a sandwich with red on my lips, and it literally smeared all over my face. I looked like this dog:

4. There is no way to easily remove it. The last (and final) time I wore red lipstick, I decided I couldn’t take it anymore. It was too much for my anxiety. I tried wiping it off in the bathroom of a rooftop party, and I looked like I had just had a sloppy 1 a.m. makeout session with some dude in the elevator.

5. It’s a commitment thing. Seriously. I can barely commit to my cat. Lipstick is a true commitment. You’re saying, “This is my shade for today.” If it comes off and there’s a faint hint of what once was, it just looks weird. You’re expected to re-committ. And once you start wearing red lips for several days in a row, it becomes your *look.* Taylor even sings about her red lip classic thing that Harry Styles used to like. She’s just that committed.

6. I think I look ridiculous, and I own it. The few times that I’ve seen myself with lipstick, I laugh. I feel like a poser, and I look like a clown. It’s like Kim dressing North West in clothes from Gymboree. It just doesn’t work.

So, enjoy your new Louboutin lip$$$ticks, ladies. I’ll stay in my colorless corner throwing shade instead of applying it.