I Will Never Be a Thong Person and Most of the Time That’s Okay

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show is full of many weird and wonderful creations. There are sparkly miracle bras, big ass fluffy wings, and boots featuring both garters and pom poms. However all of that stuff I would prefer to wear than most of the actual lingerie. (Well, except for the wings pictured above that look like Jesus’ headboard, those seem heavy.) This is because I have a cripping fear of butt floss.

I realize that hating thongs is not an unpopular opinion. I know many of people who like granny panties — a former Victoria’s Secret model is one of theme. But I still feel “conditioned” to think that thongs are the only acceptable type of sexy underwear. If I’m going on a date with a boy I still feel the need to wear something that involves a butt seam, and have been known to carry sexy underwear in my handbag just in case a suitably sexy occasion arises. Quel your feminist concerns – this is not an attempt to cater to the desires of the opposite sex. I’d also like to wear them to conduct boardroom meetings and to negotiate a salary exceeding 77 cents to every man’s dollar. I know granny pants can be hot — but all the Acne eggshell briefs in the world can’t deny the allure of underwear that separates your butt cheeks.

Before you ask, I have tried Hanky Panky. I got two pairs for free at a fashion week event last year, and only the black pair has been worn. Hit me up if you want the nude one.

The worst things about thongs is when they go all the way up and you’re wearing tightish pants made from a stiff fabric and so you literally have to go into a restroom to extract them. Is this how they’re supposed to be? Are they like tampons, where they’re only unnoticeable if you put them so far up there you need a second string to remove them? What do you do when you’re wearing a skirt? Do you have to wear double underwear, like guys who wear Speedos underneath their board shorts? Do you get cold butt cheeks in winter? It’s all so complicated.

I am 27 years old, and I will never be a thong person. Luckily “athleisure” is a thing right now.

Hannah Ongley