The movie Bachelorette, finds three friends who can’t see beyond their own navel playing (not well) bridesmaids at the wedding of their charity case friend, Becky (Rebel Wilson.) Regan (Kirsten Dunst) is the HBIC falling apart, Gena (Lizzy Caplan) is the burnout who can’t handle anything without stimulants, and Katie (Isla Fischer) doesn’t quite have a handle on anything that’s going down.
The movie, which was panned for having grown-up mean girls, provides some surprising rules to live by (even if you don’t still run with your lunch room crew.) Critics wrongly dismissed this as heartless, because it shows the worst in people to great comedic effect. Kirsten Dunst is able to do what we counted on her in previous “sitches” (Drop Dead Gorgeous.) Even in her state of misery as a non-married, she squints through the drama and makes quick day-saving decisions. She also serves up some quotable one-liner gold, like “fuck everyone.”
As soon as Gena says, “Look at these people. It’s like a Jane Austen novel on crack,” she solidified this movie’s status as the more baddass Bridesmaids. Between ODing on Xanax, ripping the wedding gown, and nailing the best man in the head with china, Bachelorette’s best moments could serve as your new self-help tome. So we present to you, and to future generations, the movie’s 21 most important life lessons.
1. When you give someone a compliment you don’t mean, you can always display your true emotions on your face in secret.
You don’t even have to wait until they turn around.
2. If you’re bringing contraband party favors, shout about your stash loudly some place central like the hotel lobby.
This way, everyone knows how fun you are.
3. If you ruin an important belonging of your friend’s, just start smashing other belongings.
What wedding dress? She’ll never blame you, and she’ll know the place was ransacked.
4. If you’re low on cash, jack someone else’s wallet.
Just whisper a sex proposition, and you’ll get away free and clear as long as they have amnesia.
5. A generous tip is a courtesy appreciated by everyone, even if it’s stolen.
Sometimes you can spend other people’s money better than they can.
6. Guys who don’t get sex a lot are the grateful type.
Throw them a bone for once.
7. Handful of splooge? A wedding gown works just as well as paper towels.
Screw those people with the hand-sanitzer. What is this, a hospital for people with OCD?
8. If you want to seduce someone, play a nostalgic tune like “I Would Walk 500 Miles.”
Even if you wouldn’t walk 500 miles for that special someone, playing this jam proves that you’ll listen to “500 Miles” for her, which is saying a lot.
9. Serious discussions require props.
It’s important that they fit you perfectly.
10. You won’t get any if you can’t remember the dude’s name.
Sometimes you can use rhyme as a helpful memory trigger tool. Joe, dough, bow, sew. You get the idea.
11. When everything’s going to shit, just act like everything’s perfect.
Even when someone’s unconscious, just keep the conversation flowing.
12. As you’re telling your friend to commit a petty crime, smile sweetly.
Everyone will think you’re ordering more fruits for the mimosas.
13. One man’s phone, becomes another person’s phone when you get rid of the obstacles in your way.
That’s what the teapot from room service is for.
14. When someone presents you with a practical enough alternative based on available resources, (take for example, roses instead of peonies.) React reasonably.
Curse them out, and tell them what to do to make your dreams realized.
15. Don’t load up on ice cream.
You might miss out on all the fun the next day.
16. Carry out your errands way before your events.
Always carry Tide to go.
17. If you always change on the way to the party, like everyone in their right mind, you’ll never be late.
And you make cab driver friends for life.
18. A nice subtle custom job on a dress sets you apart from the hordes.
A little blood, semen, or whatever’s lying around will do the trick.
19. Just because you opt out of the wedding ceremony, it doesn’t mean you’re not great friends.
You can support someone from a bench in spirit.
20.That guy who did your homework might turn out to be a genius.
Which means you are a genius too because you had the same answers. Boom.
21. If you’re going to make a toast about the sex you had last night, don’t skimp on the details.
If you stop at “I put it in,” the older generation will be left wondering, did he also pull it out?
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